Tinkerings

I have been thinking a lot about this concept of safety with regards to relationships over the past several weeks, even months.  One of the primal needs of humankind is safety.  We want to be safe from the elements, from hunger, from fear.  But more than that, we want a place of safety to express ourselves, to reveal ourselves, and to risk ourselves.

It is incumbent on husbands and wives to give a safe place to their spouses.  Guys, your wife wants to be able to tell you what is on her mind without you trying to “fix it” the way guys do.  She isn’t looking for, “OK, here’s what you do…Step One…”  Just stop.  It isn’t working.  It isn’t safe.  She feels incompetent instead.

Gals, your husband wants to be able to tell you what he is feeling, but it is difficult.  Very difficult.  We aren’t wired for talking about emotions.  We are just wired to experience them.  Honest, most of the time we don’t even know what we are feeling.  When you try to label it for us, we give you the same answer we always do.  The wife says, “Honey, is everything ok?”  He says, “Yes, it is fine, why?”  “Well,” she says, “You are quiet tonight.  Are you upset about something?”  “No,” he says.  It doesn’t matter if he is or not.  You labeled it for him and took away the safety of allowing him to express it for himself.

Marriages rise and fall at times over places of safety, or the lack thereof.  But it is more than just couples.  Your kids need to feel it is safe to tell you what is happening with them at school, at work, in their own marriages.  Moms and dads have a tremendous impact on providing a safe place for emotional expression long after their kids leave the nest.

As is usually the case, my thoughts about things turn to my classroom.  How many times have I denied my students a place of safety to express themselves?  To tell me what is happening in their lives?  To open their hearts and their minds to learning?  How many times have I stolen safety from a child with a sarcastic remark? An answer to a question that wasn’t even being asked?

Is your classroom a safe place for your kids?  Mine will be.  This year, safety is Job ONE.  What about you?